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So it is 4:35 am.. and its 9 days until I am embark on my journey to San Francisco. This will also be my first time EVER flying. Needless to say, I am pretty nervous. I was laying in bed, just thinking about it. I think that the more I think about it, the more nervous I get about it. It would be much easier for me if I just didn’t think about it. But that is SO hard to do! Of course I am thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my flight. I am so afraid that I won’t be able to sleep the night before, and then when I get to San Francisco I will be too tired to do anything.
I just don’t know anymore. It is so discouraging. Especially with what happened the other day with the plane that had to do a water landing in a river. If that were to happen to me, and I then arrived at my destination.. would I want to get back on a plane? I can’t just not fly back. How would I get home? I am being such a baby right now.
There is a guy that comes into the store all the time, and he is a pilot. Maybe it would be wise for me to talk to him about it.
I know not many people read this.. but for those who do and have flown before: any tips?

I got a message from some unknown person the other day saying he found my website on twitter and asked me why I hadn’t updated in awhile. I started to think… why haven’t I? Pure laziness I suppose. So today I figured I would give a short re-cap of the recent events. I haven’t updated in over two months.. so I won’t bore you will every detail (assuming anyone really reads this).

The most recent major activity would have to of been CHRISTMAS! It is probably one of my most favorite times of the year. I love the felloship with family and friends, the wonderful unity we all feel, and of course.. the presents. Although, even though Christmas is over.. it isn’t over for me, and probably for many people. Why do I say this? Because all the debt I have acquired from buying people shit. I hope you are all happy. Just kidding, I enjoyed it. I got a few nice things; there is no real reason to go into what all I got. But just know that it was a nice Christmas.

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking usually always gets me into trouble, because I start to think of things that depress me. Such as not having a significant other in my life. I always say that I shouldn’t be thinking about that, and that if it is going to happen, it will. But seriously. I see all these people in a happy relationship and it just sickens me. Not them, personally. Just the fact that I don’t have that. I know that no relationship is perfect and that it isn’t all hugs and kisses all the time. But even still, wouldn’t is be nice to be able to say “Yeah that is him. My boyfriend.” I mean come on now! I have almost given up on even liking people, because as soon as that happens it seems that they go and start liking someone else. I hate it when people seem to show interest in me and then it goes in the COMPLETE and OPPOSITE direction. But of course I can’t fault them. They are just them, and I am me.

I get the “You are adorable, you are so cute and sweet.” Ok.. so if all this is true, why is it so hard for me to find someone? I know I live in a small.. po-dunk town with a limited variety of whom I can date.. but there has to be something. I don’t know anymore.

There have been a few people who I have talked to.. but I mean, they just didn’t work out. I don’t consider myself picky either. Because I am really not. It just has to be someone who is compatible with me. Now, when I saw that there have been a few people, I most certainly do not mean a lot. Like maybe 2? I don’t even think that it has been that many, honestly. Maybe one. Believe me, I tried. I tried multiple times. Because I REALLY wanted it to work out. He was nice, and I tried to like him. But anyways, it just didn’t work out.

But heaven forbid I find someone that I like, because as soon as I start to like them, it turns in the opposite direction. Oh and I might want to add, that I usually don’t start off liking them. I mean, as friends I do. Then MY friends start telling me that I should go for it. That it might be someone who I could be with. Then I start thinking about it, and I start to like the person. As I am writing this, I am sort of laughing. Because thinking about all these different times, yeah that is what happens.

I guess all of my blogs turn into venting rants. I should start actually using this thing for something positive. Telling the positive aspects of my life. My friend I just made recently was venting to me, and asked if there was anything I wanted to share. I said that there was nothing exciting in my life. And there isn’t really. But sharing this would have been kind of what he was venting to me about .

Well, I guess until next time.

Josh

Oh and to the person who was messaging me about my blog, hope you continue reading .

So I am starting this at 3 in the morning. I should totally be asleep by now. I just had a lovely relaxing day off of work, and tomorrow it is back to the hell hole. Well I suppose it would technically be today, but I don’t consider it the next day until after I wake up. So anyway, I had a friend who pondered as to who actually reads his blogs, and I began thinking the same thing. I am sure that it is like maybe one or two, and that would probably be a little bit of a stretch. A few of my friends have told me that they check up on it from time to time, but with my long pauses between each post, I am sure they loose interest.

But oh well, this is really just my outlet to get out what is in my mind. If someone reads it, then that is fine too.

So far all of my classes are running along smoothly. My grades in my classes are high, and everything is going the way I want it to go. This semester I have Humanities, Spanish, and English. Not a bundle of joy, but not too overbearing. Actually in my Humanities class, I haven’t recieved any grades. She actually sent with us an at home mid-term. Of course, me being the procrastinator that I am, I haven’t even touched it. The only thing I have done is put my name on the top which we had to do before we left the class. I always tell myself that I won’t procrastinate, and that I will do it as soon as I get home. Hah, yeah right. I will probably end up staying up until 3 Wednesday night finishing it. Hopefully not, but history does have a habit of repeating itself.

Anyways, enough about school. I wanna talk about LIFE! Life right now isn’t too shabby. I mean, there isn’t some huge dramatical soap opera being played in my life right now. It is rather boring when you think about it. I started a membership at a gym. I told myself that it is time to get myself into shape. So I have been going there after work usually. Doing a few miled on the treadmill and the stationary bike. It is a nice stress reliever. Tonight I decided to go in there at like 1am and work out for a bit. Of course, the one night that I decide to come in late, someone else decides to come in late. Now, I don’t like working out by myself, but I don’t like working out with people I don’t know. So I was alone, and with these other people I had never seen before. So I kind of shortned my stay. Other than that, there is nothing happening in the relationship department. No new people in my life to speak of.

I suppose this is enough for a nice entry for tonight. Maybe I will think of something else to say, and I will post again sooner.

The title speaks a lot. I starting feeling like shit on Friday, and here is Sunday morning and I still feel like crap. I have been taking Dayquil, Niquil, Sudafed, and blowing my nose non-stop. It is getting old. I am ready for the throbbing in my throat to go away, and for my nose to quit being a spout for snot, and this stupid cough to go away, and for my head to feel normal again. The funny thing is, I didn’t get sick until I thought to myself “Wow, I haven’t gotten sick this year.” because I usually always get sick at least once a year. And then a few days later, WHA BAM! Same thing happened last year. I was talking to my mom and I said “Wow, I haven’t gotten sick yet this year.” and she said “Oh don’t say that, you will end up getting sick tomorrow.” No joke, the next day, I started to feel like shit.
So needless to say, the past couple of days haven’t been great. I only eat and drink because I have to. Nothing more. Food just tastes horrible when you are sick. And of course I know where I probably got it from. As most of you know I work at a grocery store. I handle pretty much all the money. At the end of that cashier’s shift, I touch ALL that money. No telling WHO touched it before them, whether they are nasty or clean. So I most likely got sick from handling that dirty money. I tell yah, I wonder about some of that shit. It is disgusting. So from now on, there will be hand sanitizer near me at all times.So I was looking at a post that I was going to do a couple of days ago, and I was talking about how I only had $2.16 in my bank account. Heh, wow. That was scary. Luckily I have a little more in there now. Not much, but enough to not be scared over. I said “It was because I had to buy those books for school.” But in reality, it is because I shop way too much. I can’t go to the mall without buying something. And I can’t just buy one thing… I have to buy a whole outfit. I buy things that I don’t need. Like I bought two shirts from rue21 and I hate them. But I can’t take them back because I don’t have a receipt and it has most definitely been 30 days. So I think that for right now, I have enough clothes. So I can quit with that portion of my spending. Another big spender is food. Food is essential. Everyone must eat. But what gets me is how much money I spend on food. Working all nights.. and having no time to actually eat anything, fast food is all that is there. Which is why I have put on so much damn weight. I need another plan.Well it is 6am.. and I woke up at 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I believe I a starting to feel droopy eyed again, so I think I shall try this whole sleep thing again.

Later. 

Well I don’t understand a lot, obviously. But just recently my parents have thrown me into a state of confusion. I have been saving up for a new apple MacBook for a few months now. Well yesterday I decided that I had saved enough to go ahead and buy it. Last night I was talking to mom about it, and she got totally pissed off because she said she has no idea how much it was going to cost and that if I needed a new laptop I should try and find something cheaper.

Ok, here is how I view Apple computers vs. other computers. The Apple computer I have right now is awesome. Love every bit of it. I am getting a new one, because I am ready for an upgrade, and seriously what is wrong with that. If I were to customize a PC to do all the things like I want, that would be the equivalent of an Apple, I would pay probably the same amount. But an Apple computer is what I wanted, so that is what I got.

Now what confuses is me, is they are furious with me, because I spent that much money. Ok.. one question.. WHO’S MONEY WAS IT!?!?!

My money. I earned it, no one gave it to me. I didn’t ask for any money. I mean what am I making money for if I can’t buy what I want with it? I could have spent a lot more money, but I sacrificed a few details of the computer so I wouldn’t spend so much. They can SERIOUSLY get over it, since it is done, and there is nothing them or I can do about it. If they would like for me to send it back, all they need to do is give me about $140 for the re-stocking fee that I was informed that Apple has. But.. that won’t happen, because I am not sending it back.

I think they main reason they are mad is because they told me I needed to keep at least $1000 in my savings account, in case something happened to my car and it needed repairs. Well right now, only thing I really need is new tires.. and I have the money for that, or I will in a couple of weeks. What they don’t realize is that I am young, I like new things, and I have money right now, and I am still making money, so it doesn’t bother me to spend that much money, because I know that it wont take long to make it again. I mean, what is the use in having a lot of money if you don’t spend it? It would be as worthless as having no money at all.

I am done.

Until I can devote some time to this thing, I am going to leave it at the default template. Shhhh.. I don’t care what you think.

So I stay busy all the time. It is unreal how I have had no time for anything lately. This past week I have had a small break from my hectic schedule, but the week went by so fast, I am not sure where it all went. It was spring break, so I had a break from my usual Monday, Wednesday, Friday, going to class, but that all ends Monday. I have a 4 to 5 page paper due Wednesday on a visit to the court house that I took. I had to observe a courtroom as cases were being tried. It was actually very interesting. I have never witnessed actual cases being presented, and it was a very fast paced environment. It was really all “State vs. Someone” and the Prosecuting side was on top of things. Firm arguments, and totally kicking ass. So I have started on that paper, and I already have a page, so that is GREAT! I am not even to the good parts. So in other news, my job sucks. I feel like I have to tip toe around everyone so people wont get mad at me. But seriously, this is a competitive world, and people are going to strive to get to the top. These people take things way too personally, and I do have to admit, that I take things way too personally also, but I truly do hate for anyone to be mad at me. My job as a bookkeeper does make me accountable for the front end. Meaning, that the cashiers, baggers and such are a bit of my responsibility also. But, these baggers and cashiers think that I am being bossy, and thinking that I am better than them. Explaining to them my job and what is expected of me probably wouldn’t make them think of it any differently. They are all set in their thinking that I am a bitch, and I have changed. Well, I guess that is what was expected of me from them, therefore they think that of me, when it is quite the other way around. Everyone has changed towards me, because they believe that I am going on a power trip.. DING DONG folks, I have no power.Everything else is rather dull and boring. Planning to hang out with anyone is next to impossible. I work weird hours, and they are always at night, so I have very few nights that I can just chill. But next Saturday, as long as I get this day off, my friend Misty is having herself a house warming party, so yeah, hopefully I will be able to have fun then.Until next time… 

I won’t keep trying if it appears you aren’t trying either. Yeah that’s all I have for that one.

In other news, this weekend I have had the house to myself, but have I been able to enjoy it? NO! Work, work work! That is all I do. Thursday was my only real day off, I had asked someone if they wanted to do something.. but.. ehh. So I just stayed at home with mom and dad and we had a nice little dinner. Last Monday I got a car.. I now drive a 1999 Green Ford Explorer Sport. I love it, and so do all of my friends. I feel so much better driving this car as opposed to the rinky dink Bronco.

Things have been going pretty good lately. New car, income taxes came back, raise came in. I most definitely can’t complain. Even with some of the downs that I have experienced the past few weeks, I am going to act like it didn’t happen, and live my life the the fullest. I have been told by a few people that I shouldn’t let things get to me like I have been letting them, and I have just now really started taking that to heart. I don’t want people to take advantage of me, and I want people to like me for who I am, and not who I try to be. There are plenty of people out there who do, and I don’t have to try so hard for them to be my friend. So in other words, if you like me, great, I probably think of you as a great friend, but if for any reason you don’t like me, I am not going to loose any sleep over it.

There are a few people who I would like to speak my mind to, but in all reality, I wonder if it is even worth it, and most likely, it isn’t.

Until next time…

Waking up this  morning at 7 am and being at work by 8. I really do not like this schedule. I really much rather work nights. Although I complain about it all the time, I am the kind of person who likes to stay up late, and sleep late. Of course this morning I wake up with a stuffy nose and not really feeling 100%. Oh well, there is no calling out for me. The past few days have been rather rough mentally for me. I have just not really been feeling like my bubbly self. But today is a new day, maybe I will see things differently. I have more to say I suppose, but I guess it will have to wait until I get home. 

I think things, and then wonder.. why in the hell do I care? I shouldn’t care about some of the things I worry about. But then there are more things other than that, that make me feel pathetic.

I probably shouldn’t even feel pathetic for my self for this, but I hate feeling sorry for myself, so feeling pathetic seems to be the best next choice.

All of my life I have wanted to be accepted, and I believe that I am accepted by a lot of people. But I thought that was all that I wanted. Now I am starting to realize, I want to be more than just accepted into someone’s life. I want to make an impact, I want them to feel that I am someone that is unlike any other friend they have. I want to feel irreplaceable. Not necessarily be better than anyone, just someone that sticks out in your mind, and makes you think “Hmm, I wonder what they are doing.” I feel like that for so many people, they could just as easily replace me. I don’t feel like one of a kind, no matter how hard I try. I sit and think about all the people who have made such a lasting impression on me, and I wonder if I have done the time to them. I think highly of so many people, and I just wonder if they think the same of me.

I don’t know where any of this is coming from. Well, actually I do, but I guess this thing is too public for that much information. Not that anyone ever actually reads this.